I have not written in a while. It turns out that when you are on medication, it’s hard to express what you feel. Bacterial infection is a beast. As a clinician, it is something that I have treated many times, yet nothing prepared me for how it feels. I am happy to report that I feel better. This write-up is exhibit A. I learned something this season: there is a level of vulnerability that comes with being sick. There are parts of me that I would never talk about, yet pain brought them all out. There is a clarity that comes as soon as the pain fades away—the kind that reminds you how much we take health for granted.
You would think I had never been sick before seeing how I described this episode. That’s far from it; I have been sick and in worse pain before this. The difference is that in recent months, I have been unlearning the things that traumatized me. The behaviors that are part of my lifestyle are comfortable defense mechanisms. So I have learned to listen to what my body needs, even the deepest discomfort, which I would ignore. Tough journey, if you ask me, letting go and accepting that I don’t have control. I looked at my colleague as he treated me with so much care. I realized that in medicine, patients get to experience the kindness and unkindness of science. The transition between extreme discomfort and comfort. The moment that pain stops, when it doesn’t hurt anymore. The peaceful moments after it stops and the disappointment when the pain starts, and for one brief minute, you hate the number of injections you have endured. The annoying taste of medication and water that tastes like regrets as soon as you start medication. Well, this is me coping, writing about it, and learning to unlearn.
